Alpha Romance Heroes Don’t Pee Behind the Couch: A satirical article about being naturally bossy.

Alpha Romance Heroes Don’t Pee Behind the Couch

We all love alpha men in romance novels, but can we bear them off the page? Even if they’re cute and have a sweet, waggy tail?

My daughter is eight.

For Christmas she wants either a unicorn or a dog.

I like dogs fine, but—officially—I’m allergic.

Unofficially, there’s a bigger problem that no amount of Claritin can solve. No matter how smart the pup, it’s hard for them to understand the simplest facts.

To wit: I am the alpha in this house.

I sleep when and where I decide. I go outside when it’s convenient for me to do so and when I step out the door, squinting in the California sun, I go where I want at the speed I need.

My priorities for this household are the house priorities. Everything runs better that way. A dog would screw all that up.

Here’s how.

We bring her home and name her Daisy. The kids love her. They get outside more often and stare at screens less often. The dog is the best thing that ever happened to our family.

But what’s Daisy doing that whole time my kids are falling in love?

She’s watching me for weaknesses. She’s noting when I relent and when I yell to get what I want. She’s like a superspy infiltrating the house, until one day I realize that sweet little girl is an alpha dog, and she’s now going to run things around here.

How to know if you’re living with an alpha dog:

  1. Alpha dogs growl to assert themselves.
  2. They demand affection on their terms.
  3. They bump you out of the way to walk in front.
  4. They don’t like being put on leashes, obeying commands or relinquishing their spot on the couch.
  5. And… big point here… alpha dogs are known for their frequent leg-humping.

Every dog lover reading this is saying I’m wrong. But it’s all facts because I read it on the internet machine and it bolsters another point I want to make.

Read the above list as if I’m talking about a man.

Truthfully, I’ve known guys like this and I’m super-allergic to them. Maybe because I’m an alpha or maybe because those traits can be tells for something much darker.

Either way. They’re out there, and I’ll take a dog over them any day.

Romance heroes, however?

They turn it all around.

  1. Alpha romance heroes growl. They have to. It’s in the job description and when the hero growls, everyone swoons whether they like it or not. Sexy AF does not need an explanation.
  2. They demand affection at exactly the moment the heroine wants to give it. They’re magic. It’s not even mind-reading. It’s a root connection with his mate and it’s a joy to behold.
  3. They’ll walk in front to keep you safe, unless you complain about it, then they walk next to you and quietly keep their senses on high alert for the Bad People. Because a real man knows when it’s time to get out of his partner’s way.
  4. You’re the only leash they’ll accept, the only command they’ll obey, and if you’re in their favorite spot on the couch? No prob, Teacup. They’re so tough the floor’s like a cushion.
  5. Last, and big, big point here. The leg-humping translates to fabulous sex.

I love these guys on paper.

Why do I get such joy writing alphas when I can’t deal with the dogs and run like hell from the men?

I’m not going to speak for you. Comments are open if you know what the appeal is for you. But for me, it’s simple.

Down deep, I want a dog.

When the Claritin fails, a no-shed, housebroken, sweet-when-I-need-it, growly-when-I-don’t guard dog with big shoulders to cry on is exactly what the doctor ordered. There’s nothing sexier than a man who has the impulses of a savage, the soul of a poet, and the self-possession of a civilized adult.

In other words, the fantasy of a perfectly imperfect man.

In real life, there are no perfect men, women, or gender fluid humans. I write alpha heroes the way I do because I’m not perfect either. I growl when I should listen, fight when I should make peace, mark territory that isn’t mine; impulses an alpha hero learns to control over the course of a romance novel. That’s as perfect as any of us get and I need to fantasize about being on that journey as much as I need to create the fantasy that I’m not taking it alone.

Anyone know where I can get my daughter a unicorn?

CD Reiss lives in Los Angeles with a husband who is also an alpha. They’ve worked out their respective places on the couch. She doesn’t think men are like dogs as much as dogs can be like men, and she’s aware that alpha tendencies (like everything else) present on a spectrum. Her daughter is getting a stuffed animal and an iPad for Christmas. Don’t tell her.

Iron Crowne by CD Reiss, out now!

Byron Crowne is a charming liar and a gorgeous monster.

I detest him.

I can’t resist him.

He’s awakened desires I didn’t know I had.

When he touches me, I need to fight him . . . and I need him to win.

Our one night stand bruises my skin and leaves dents in the walls, but the sheets aren’t the only thing we shred that night.

And suddenly, the stakes are higher than ever.

Olivia Monroe lights a fire in me that died a long time ago. 

I’m a different man when I’m with her. I need to own her, take her, mark her as mine.

Everything changes when she might be pregnant and for the first time in my life . . . I’m powerless against this stubborn, untamable woman.

She’s the one in control and I have an impossible job:

Prove I’m worthy to be a father.

Header Image Credit: Well Pet Coach


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