I’ll never forget the first time I really considered a threesome. I was reading Vicki Vantoch’s book The Threesome Handbook, mostly out of voyeuristic curiosity. I’d had my share of threesome fantasies — what’s not to love about two hot people focusing all their attention on me? — but I never thought I would ever do it. Reading the book was a safe alternative: I could imagine all this hotness without worrying about the reality.
Halfway through the book, though, I thought, Damn. Now I want to try this. And thus began my foray into threesomes.
The threesome is kind of the Holy Grail of sexual fantasies. As an erotic romance novelist, I’m always trying to tap into people’s desires. The first book of my upcoming Comes in Threes trilogy, Three-Way Split, focuses on a polyamorous triad and includes a lot of ménage sex. Writing that book was hot, in part because I got to type up some of my favorite fantasies. In books, of course, everyone knows how to touch each other and how to work together like a beautiful erotic team… but reality isn’t always so easy!
The good news is that with some forethought, threesome reality can be just as amazing as threesome fantasy.
There is a lot to consider before having a threesome, like your relationship dynamic, personal desires, and limits. Many books give good advice on these issues I recommend The Threesome Handbook by Vicki Vantoch (which I mentioned earlier), The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, and More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Janet Hardy. Those books can help you ask the right questions to yourself, your partner, and your potential third.
After you’ve had those important pre-threesome conversations, though, you get to turn that fantasy into reality.
When you put three people in bed, you’re suddenly dealing with a lot of moving parts. Not just logistically, with all the planning and forethought, but literally: there are a lot of arms and legs between three people! It’s not going to be as graceful and beautiful as in the movies.
One of the most gorgeous threesome scenes in a movie has to be in Professor Marston and the Wonder Women. In an abandoned, amber-lit Harvard theater, the three main characters sensuously kiss and touch and pleasure each other amidst fluid film cuts hinting at unbridled ecstasy. It’s breathtaking.
In reality? You’re more likely to end up tangled up in bedsheets and other people’s clothing.
That’s part of the experience, though. Don’t expect movie-quality perfection, and you won’t be disappointed.
I was pretty nervous about fooling around with another woman for the first time. You or your partner might be in the same boat as me, if you’re bringing someone to bed who is of a different gender than you’re used to. Be open to trying something new! I learned that somebody else might be anatomically the same as me, but respond to totally different stimulation. I loved figuring out her likes, her sweet spots, the details of her body, and I loved having her figure out mine.
We are all giant nerds, so we looked at it like a science experiment (but a really sexy science experiment). We kept testing different techniques and analyzing the results. “What happens when I do this? What about this?” is way more fun in bed than in chemistry class.
Even with all those hands and mouths, everybody might not be involved in the action at the same time. We tend to have sex with just one other person, so putting somebody new into that equation is complicated. Where do they go? What do they do? You might want to try out some really wild three-person positions, or maybe you want to take turns. Just don’t let somebody get left out in the cold!
In all my threesome fantasies, both my other partners were focused on my body, my pleasure, everything about me. (It was my fantasy, after all!) When I brought a third person into my bed for real, though, she gently said, “Elia, it can’t be all about you the whole time.” Whoops. That was a little embarrassing, but I was able to laugh about it, and we made sure everybody was enjoying themselves, not just me.
I also learned that it can be really hot to team up with someone else and drive my partner wild. Sex is about giving pleasure, not just getting pleasure, and two people can provide twice the fun. I might have been fantasizing about being the center of everyone’s attention, but making someone else the center of attention was mind-blowing.
Okay, so… I had also been a bit nervous going into this whole experiment about seeing my partner with someone else. What would it be like? Would I feel left out? What happened if I got jealous? Over the course of many threesomes, I got jealous sometimes. It’s okay. Jealousy is just a feeling, and just because you’re jealous doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or your partner. Use jealousy as a way to help you realize what you want, and then ask for it. After all, you’ve got two people in bed with you to help you get what you want.
Threesomes aren’t for everyone. They’re exciting, but also challenging. They ask us to examine our relationships and ourselves. But oh, the rewards are sweet. Your threesome might not be as perfect as fantasy, with intuitive partners and simultaneous orgasms, but it also doesn’t have to stay as fantasy, either. The reality might just be some of the most fun multitasking you ever do.
