The Day I Told the World I’m a Smut Writer by Carmen Falcone

[Note from Frolic: We are so excited to have author Carmen Falcone guest post on the site today. Take it away, Carmen!]

“Young lady, where do you think you’re going?” the voice of the head nun of my girl-only school rang in my ears, echoing like an old-fashioned bell from an ancient church.

“I’m going to Panera to eat overpriced hospital food and write romance books where the characters have dirty sex,” I say that out loud, even though no one is listening, with some quiet dignity that’s ambiguous and liberating. My husband is working, and the kids are at school. It’s just me and my laptop and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

The Head Nun was an interesting figure in my Elementary and Middle School years. An astute and imposing woman, she never missed an opportunity to turn a mistake into a lesson. Or a perfectly reasonable thing into shame or guilt.

Even years after finishing school, and with the time and distance, before I came out as a writer I heard her voice. When I was unpublished, I kept my words secured in some emotional vault. What if I shared my dreams with friends and I was never offered a contract? What if I wrote books and no one bought them? Those thoughts haunted me so to keep from letting them cut into my word flow, I stayed firm about not sharing anything about my author ambitions. Not until I had concrete news to share. 

When I was offered a contract in 2011, I realized I’d have to tell people about it. Tell my close friends. My best friends. My family. What would they think? 

A day after I signed the contract, I went to a kid’s birthday party at one of those bouncy houses. One of my besties was there, but I still hadn’t told her. How can you blurt out you’ve been moonlighting as a writer for years and forgot to mention it? My husband knew, of course, and supported me. He still does ☺ 

During the party, anticipation grew inside of me, and each time I talked to someone I felt like saying it. I’m a writer. My first published book will come out in six months. Why yes, I am working on a website. What kind of books? Books that will make you blush. Books what will make you feel, and hopefully books that will make you want more. Of course this last part was raw, but hey, I was a newbie so excuse my in-your-face sales pitch.

I played with how I’d come out and say it, until I saw an uptight mother chastising her toddler for something so small and trivial, I don’t even remember what it was. Back when it happened though, the need to share ignited inside of me. Even though this tall blonde woman looked nothing like the now elderly Brazilian nun, she had that edge of condescension in her voice that triggered me.

So I walked quickly to my bestie, pulled her to the side while the kids played at the foam pit, and let the cat out of the bag. “Hey. Guess what? I write dirty books and just got a contract.”

She smiled and congratulated me, and of course asked me all kinds of questions people make when they suddenly learn of a loved one’s secret double life. By the end of the party, I had told every single soul in the event about my newfound occupation–including the receptionist. 

As women, we so many times are told to suppress our wishes and emotions. That day I refused to conceal my truth and passion for writing any longer—all thanks to a bossy nun.